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It had been almost a year, one of the most difficult years of my life. I had often asked myself that impossible question: Why had the Lord taken my wife from me? After 38 years of a very compatible marriage, after serving Jesus together on the mission field and in the pastorate--why had she gone through the trial of cancer and been snatched out of my life?
I had been very self-confident as a teenager. Only "sissies" needed religion. Finally, someone confronted me with the question of what happens after this life is over. Facing the mystery of what happens after death, I realized not only that God was real, but that my pride was keeping me from Him. When I received Christ as my Saviour, I sensed a new peace and joy--and the assurance that He would protect me forever.
When I faced the death of my beloved wife, the Lord graciously gave me the special sense of His presence. He assured me that, as always, my times were in His hand (Psalm 31:15a). Even though I couldn't understand the "why", He was still in control. I was very lonely, but at the same time Jesus was right there.
My friends were upholding me in prayer. The new church in which I became involved was loving and supportive. Gradually I became immersed in my work and made new friends. It took several months to work through my grief, but I sensed the Lord's comfort very clearly. Then I began to ask Him about the possibility of finding someone else with whom to share my life.
At this point, I honestly felt that there was very little possibility of finding that "special someone". There were no other single adults in the small church I was attending. If I did see a mature woman, either she wasn't a Christian, or she made me think more of a mother than a wife. I sensed no physical appeal at all. I kept praying.
Then I remembered Christ's words in the Garden of Gethsemane. Facing the agony of the cross, He prayed, "Yet not as I will, but as You will" (Matthew 26:39). Jesus was applying the words that He had taught His disciples in the Lord's Prayer: "Your kingdom come, Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven" (Matthew 6:10). The thought of continuing on in my loneliness troubled me, but finally I was able to say to the Lord, "If it is Your will for me to continue on as a single, I'll do the best I can. I really want Your will to be done in my life."
Dating. What a change, after so many years! Coming from "the old school", I held the car door open for my date, and generally showed her a polite deference. Seems as if that's not done much these days. Or perhaps today's women have been influenced by liberation ideology. Several didn't bother to wait for me to be gentlemanly. It was an interesting time. Being able to go to concerts or special church functions with a friend, however, was very gratifying.
One lady in particular became very close, and I seriously considered asking her to fill that empty place in my life. I praise God now that the relationship never got that far. We had many interests in common, except for the most important: the spiritual dimension. She was a Christian, but it became obvious that her relationship to Jesus Christ was not the same warm intimacy that I enjoyed with Him. She seemed uncomfortable talking about spiritual things, or sharing in times of prayer. Looking back on it now, I am thankful that she recognized this important difference even before I did, and we were able to break off the relationship amicably.
Then Margaret came into my life. Like me, she had lost her spouse to cancer, but, unlike me, she had been alone for 12 years. The vitality of her faith, the common interests we shared, especially in music, and her warm and gracious manner captivated me. She wasn't perfect; but if she had been, she certainly would not have noticed me! As we continued dating, I knew I was hooked.
But was this the Lord's desire for me? For us? To or not to? That was indeed the question. We shared God's Word together, prayed together and talked much. We truly enjoyed being with each other. Then the Lord led us in a very special way.
Margaret's church, where we were to be married, had a rule that before a staff pastor performed a wedding, he must personally counsel the couple. Even though Margaret's pastor was young enough to be her son, this rule applied to us. We wondered what this young man might be able to tell us. In fact, when we sat down with him for the first time, Margaret asked him, "Well, what would you like to know?" We all laughed at the time, but since then we realize that his counsel was very important to us. He asked some questions that we needed to consider. We were led to look into areas of a marriage relationship that we might not otherwise have discussed until after we started living together as man and wife. Most second marriage candidates feel that because they have been married before, they know all they need to know about it. Margaret and I are very thankful for that young pastor's loving advice and guidance.
Why the difference? We know without question that it was the Lord who brought us together and who directed in everything. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight" (Proverbs 3:5,6).
But the other couples, too, felt that they were being guided by the same Lord. We believe that one of the very special ways in which the Lord led us was through counselling. Proverbs 12:15 says, "The way of a fool seems right to him, but a wise man listens to advice."
It is so easy for older Christians who have had the wonderful experience of a blessed marriage for many years to be very presumptuous. When faced with the possibility of a second marriage, they tend to say, "Hey, we know all about this; we've been through it before." Famous last words. Every person going into a remarriage does so carrying a lot of hidden psychological and emotional "baggage". All of this must be faced realistically. There is a very great possibility that the "love" that the couple feels may rather be an infatuation. Marriages must never be based on such a relationship.
To or not to? If you are facing this question regarding a second marriage, pray much, alone and with each other. Talk much--to each other. And seek, openly and without reservations, competent Christian counsel. Far better to do this homework before such a tremendously important step. If you then feel led to continue on together, you face years of joy and blessing--just as Margaret and I have found. "Lord, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure" (Psalm 16:5).
Fred Moore is a retired missionary and pastor. He and Margaret live in Abbotsford, B.C. and are writing a book about second marriages.
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