Return to the M.B. Herald Vol. 35, No. 20 Home Page
His son's head whips up, and any remnants of sleep are abruptly dispelled. Anger is in his voice as he responds, "Will you tell my idiot father to lay off me!?"
I turn towards his father, who flashes back, "Will you ask that no good, lazy son of mine when he plans to grow up and be responsible?"
War has been declared. I feel as though I am stationed at the front line as insults and sarcastic remarks are hurled back and forth across the table.
Dad relies on his unfailing memory and recounts everything that his son has ever done wrong. Humiliated and angry, his son slumps in his chair and stares blankly out the kitchen window. I am wondering if I can slide under the table unnoticed. Finally, like a victor in battle, Dad fires out one more lecture, a prescription for more suitable behaviour, and then announces, "I give up! I can't do anything with him!"
Unfortunately, this drama is played out all too often. We engage in a little verbal swordplay to prove our point and emerge the conqueror, rather than engaging in discussion and experiencing reconciliation. Often in our anger and ignorance we begin to use several unfair battle strategies. How often do you find yourself using these destructive techniques?
Crystal comes running in the door, bouncing from one room to another. "Mom!" she shouts. Mom appears from the basement. "Mom, I know it's a Tuesday night, but can I go with Andrea and Tom to the movies tonight? I promise I'll be home right after." Without a moment's hesitation, Mom replies, "No!" "But, Mom, I'm finished all my homework and. . . . " Without letting her finish, Crystal's mom reminds her how she never calls when late (cites all 22 times in the last six months that it has happened) and adds that she always takes advantage of her mom's goodwill. No matter what Crystal tries to say, her mom reminds her of how she has "blown it before". The key words to be used are, "You always" and "You never". Using absolute words is essential to winning the battle unfairly.
Once you have the fire roaring, be careful not to pour soothing waters on it. Feed it with flammable words. Let every nod and body movement radiate those non-verbal messages of disapproval and disappointment. Body language can be a vital communication tool when portraying negative messages.
I observed one day a father trying to fix his daughter's bike. For the most part, he was being unsuccessful. His daughter picked up the manual and began to make suggestions. Dad pretended not to listen, and even began to deliberately do the opposite of whatever she suggested. Finally he blurted out, "Girls just don't know about mechanical things!" and turned his back to her.
As a hyper teenager, I came running home one evening, leaping over fences, doing cartwheels down our dead-end street and generally rejoicing in the date I had had. Concerned neighbours informed my parents that I had come home drunk, and could hardly walk straight. Upon waking the next morning with bloodshot eyes (due to allergies in hay fever season), I heard my mom ask me how long I had been doing drugs. No matter how hard I tried to explain, it only made me look more guilty.
Your teens will need to know that no matter what happens, you are in control. There should be absolutely no tolerance or equality. It is your duty to forgive, not to be forgiven. The attitude of superiority will give you the leverage that you need when you are fighting unfairly.
After seminary, my family and I took up a pastorate in rural Saskatchewan. Being naive city folks, we found the opportunity to live out in the middle of nowhere a novelty. We soon became "pretend" farmers and acquired an assortment of livestock--a dog, three cats and a sheep. Winter in Saskatchewan can be extremely cold, and the animals quickly found that the best place to keep warm was on top of each other right in front of our main entrance. Now, your first thought may be "Cute", but mine was "Messy!". The sheep would always do its business right there on the front step. Mingled with cat and dog hair, the result was a stinking, hairy mess.
In frustration, I came up with what I thought was a brilliant solution. I took my son's BB gun, loaded it with pellets and waited by the front door. As soon as they were all huddled together, I would throw open the door and empty the gun onto the unsuspecting targets. I continued this sadistic sport for weeks until they finally decided to relocate. I had become the conqueror, and they were the defeated. I had won--or had I?
From the day that I started my assault on these adorable animals until the day they were no longer in our care, I could never again approach them, pat them or play with them. They were fearful and suspicious of any of my actions. I won the battle but lost the victory.
As parents, teachers and youth workers, we may think we have won when in reality we have lost the battle and possibly even destroyed our youth.
Derrick Mueller is an instructor at Bethany Bible Institute in Hepburn, Sask.
Return to the M.B. Herald Vol. 35, No. 20 Home Page