Shy like me

by Jan Johnson

I recognized her station wagon in the parking lot at the grocery store. As I shopped, I peeked around the corner of the aisle so that she couldn't catch me unaware. There she was--squeezing the lettuce. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her head for the checkout stand. At last I was safe. After that close call, I checked the parking lot every time I went shopping.

Who was she? My friendly new neighbour. I was relieved that I didn't have to talk to her. After all, I had already mustered up the courage to smile and be gracious whenever I could.

All people have times in which they feel self-conscious, can't stop blushing or wonder what other people think of them. We shy people, however, endure these embarrassments regularly. We talk to our children's teachers, and our hands shake. We think about calling a troubled person, but we chicken out. Our neighbours' dogs take over our yard, and we fume--to ourselves.

Statistics show that shyness is an almost universal experience. Eighty percent of those interviewed at the Stanford University shyness clinic reported that they had been shy at some time in their lives, and more than 40% still considered themselves shy--that's almost every other person we meet!

I used to comfort myself by thinking that shyness wasn't so bad. After all, most people prefer modest, unassuming people to self-promoting, arrogant types. Yet experts say that shyness encourages a preoccupation with oneself--a self-centredness which can lead to depression, anxiety and loneliness. These attitudes erect substantial roadblocks to the Christian who wants to grow in God's love.

As for me, I finally decided that God could not be pleased with my sneaking around in grocery stores. In order to show God's love to others, shyness had to go. But could I change? Paul thought Timothy could: "Fan into flame the gift of God. . . . For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline" (II Timothy 1:6,7). I longed for that.

So I began doing reasearch. I tried to understand when and where I was shy and how I got that way. These are some of the questions I asked:

  • What situations or types of people make me shy? Church leaders, wealthy people and "smooth" salesmen used to intimidate me. Although I can hold my own in most groups now, I still clam up around overbearing, gregarious people. So, when I know I'll be around such a person, I think of conversational topics ahead of time.
  • What experiences have made me shy? My friend Frank figured out that his shyness stemmed from his childhood. His parents' criticism of him formed his view of the world--he thought that no one liked him or trusted him. Identifying the source helped him realize that he was clinging to false ideas from the past. The truth was that others did like him. This gave him the confidence to try. Social ability comes as we care about others. People were drawn to Jesus not only because of His remarkable power, but also because He was interested in them. As we give ourselves away, we find the joy we've been searching for.

    One night, as I sat silently at a party, I felt sorry for the woman next to me who couldn't think of anything to say either. I opened up just to make her feel better. I felt so good about helping her that I tried to draw others out, seeing myself as the "shy person's rescue squad". With my new-found confidence, I developed a list of ritual questions about jobs, family members and hobbies. Then I added "feeling" questions ("Do you like living in a condominium?") and information-seeking questions ("What does an interior designer do?"). When I got stuck, I rephrased their words: "So you think that. . . ?"

    I practised on people I didn't know. I struck up converations while standing in lines at banks, grocery stores and amusement parks. These experiences helped me get along in uncomfortable, even frightening situations.

    A shy friend, Gary, worked for an accounting firm run by two Christians and loved it--at first. Later, he resented the way his supervisor talked down to him. He realized that nothing would change unless he spoke up, so he worked up the courage to talk with one of his employers.

    To his surprise, the employer agreed that change would come only when he asserted himself. Even though his employer planned to speak to the supervisor, he urged Gary to do the same. "Invite him to have coffee and use the 'two positives and one negative' approach," he counselled. With sweaty palms, Gary talked with his supervisor, sharing two qualities he appreciated about him and then his one objection. Gary is no longer looking for another job.

    For Christians, stepping out of shyness can be a spiritual journey. God stretches our faith as we rely on His love and claim His promise: "Perfect love drives out fear" (I John 4:28b). As we overcome fear, we gain the confidence to tackle other problems in life. And it makes it a lot easier to go shopping.

    Jan Johnson is a retreat speaker from Simi, Calif. and author of Healing Hurts that Sabotage the Soul.

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