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But when I invited Susan, she reminded me that she had nothing against God, but people had messed up His good plan for her life. And no, she could not come to a church function.
I knew the circumstances that had made her bitter. More than 30 years ago, she had fallen at her place of employment and injured herself. But the doctor had ruled there was nothing wrong with her. Consequently, she had received no compensation. Unable to work, she had been forced to go on welfare to sup~port herself and her disabled son.
"Even the church people didn't support me," she said bitterly. "In fact, they criti~cized me for being on welfare."
Our friend is not alone in her bitterness. Victim-thinking--"past traumatic experi~ences have shaped my life; somebody else is responsible for the mess I'm in"--per~vades today's society, including our Chris~tian society.
The trouble with bitterness is that it does not stay the same. Like a cancer, it grows. It distorts reality. It keeps us chained to the past. Like bad air, it pollutes, not just the bitter person, but those who come in con~tact with that person. The Bible says, "See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many" (Hebrews 12:15).
In a world of inequity, we're going to have our share of bitter experiences. Jesus told us, "In this world you will have trouble" (John 16:33). But the verse goes on to promise help from becoming bitter: "But take heart! I have overcome the world."
As a nurse in a seniors' care home, I'm priv~ileged to hear many moving life stories. Some of my patients have suffered incredi~ble abuse from parents, totalitarian govern~ments, wars and revolutions, religious discrimination and deprivation. While some have become bitter, most of them have become better people, radiating sweet, quiet faith in God.
"What makes the difference?" I have asked myself. Is there something I can do now to help me become better instead of bitter? Here are some principles I've learned from God's Word.
1. Acknowledge the problem.
Many of us have been taught it is wrong for a Christian to have bitter feelings. But the Bible is more realistic. Righteous Job had such bitterness of soul that he wished he had never been born (Job 10:1). Naomi said to her neighbours, "Call me Mara, because the Almighty has made my life very bitter" (Ruth 1:20). "In bitterness of soul Hannah wept much and prayed to the LORD" (I Samuel 1:10). Solomon wrote, "Each heart knows its own bitterness" (Proverbs 14:10).
The dictionary defines "bitter" as "sharp and disagreeable, harsh and uncomfortable, full of pain". Coming to terms with bitterness seems to be the first step toward getting rid of it. Owning one's negative feelings--saying, "Yes, I am bitter about that"--is true humility. To look in your own eye and see the speck in it is a mark of maturity, of true spirituality.
2. Stop feeding bitterness.
The person who continually rehashes traumatic experiences cannot be free of them. Paul is a case in point. When he was a teen, the Nazis invaded his home and dragged most of his family off to a concentration camp. Their crime? Hiding Jews. For three years, Paul and his brother were physically and emotionally tortured. Even though they survived, Paul's brother sustained injuries that lasted his lifetime. Paul's morbid interest in the World War II experience compels him to read every book on the subject, view war movies, attend reunions of war survivors and rehash his experience with everyone who will listen. Instead of alleviating the pain, such rehashing only feeds it. "If I speak, my pain is not relieved," says Job (Job 16:6). Likewise, Paul's focus on past injustices is like picking a sore. It cannot heal.
3. Stop making excuses for what happened.
Esther's very strict upbringing left her feeling unloved. From birth, her father had rejected her; he had wanted a boy. She was beaten for childish infractions, blamed for everything that went wrong, left out of family celebrations.
As a Christian, Esther wanted to feel charitable toward her parents. "They did the best they could under the circum~stances," she says. But the pain of her rejec~tion is all too evident--she is bulimic. It would be much better for her to acknowledge that "Even though they did the best they knew how to do, at times they failed me." Rec~ognizing the fact will make it easier for Esther to move into forgiveness.
4. Live in forgiveness.
When my husband suffered a mental breakdown, I was bitterly disappointed with two family members who failed to support me. Because of them, subtle insinuations and blatant accusations came my way. I struggled with bitter feel~ings towards these people. But I had deter~mined to live in forgiveness. So I would pray, "Lord Jesus, I want to forgive them. Help me to do that."
Living in forgiveness, I discovered, begins with the offended party, just as it began with God. He initiated forgiveness even though we'd sinned against Him. Likewise, I had to act upon my desire to forgive by lovingly confronting the offending party and saying, "I forgive you." When this didn't bring the desired result, my bitterness increased. Now I had to take another step of forgiveness: to allow God to convict and punish.
Moreover, I learned that forgiveness sets the offender free. As long as I kept on insist~ing, "You owe me support," resentment flourished. By an act of the will, I had to take that "You-owe-me hook" out of the people who had disappointed me and say, "From now on, you owe me nothing." Only then could I be free of resentment.
5. Give yourself time to process your feelings.
In the midst of my struggles with forgive~ness, a family reunion was being planned. This news came to us in a letter which car~ried a response card. Wisely, my husband left the decision to attend with me. Just the thought of having to face the people whose betrayal had hurt me caused me such anxiety that I shook uncontrollably. Yet forgiveness has to be acted on, and for my forgiveness to have any credence at all, I knew I had to go. I signed the card. Luck~ily, the date was several months away, giv~ing me time to process the information. Going to that reunion was one of the most difficult things I have ever done--and one of the most blessed.
6. Initiate reconciliation.
One of the contributing factors to my husband's breakdown ~was stress at his teaching job. The superintendent of schools had been most unfair and derogatory. Years later, Bill saw the superintendent enter the nursery where Bill was buying plants. "Upon first impulse, I wanted to exit that nursery and go home," my husband later told me. "But then I said, `Bill, you've decided to forgive that man. Go and shake his hand.' " Resolutely, Bill strode across the nursery, walked up to the man and stuck his hand out. Later, when he came home, Bill said, "I feel somewhat freer for having done that."
7. Rid yourself of every root of bitterness as soon as possible.
God commands it in Ephesians 4:31: "Get rid of all bitterness." Hebrews 12:15 says, "See to it that no bitter root grows up."
How does one get rid of bitterness? Send it away. I visualize parcelling up this bitter experience and offering it to God. Much like Mary with her alabaster box, I see myself pour~ing out this bitter perfume on the feet of Jesus. "This is my love offering," I say. "Release me from bitter feelings. Recycle this experience into something good in my life." And He does.
8. Renew your mind.
Instead of victim-thinking, ask yourself, "What part did I play in that situation? Is there anything I could have done to make it better?" In Susan's case, she could have asked for a second medical opinion. She could have made her needs known to the pastor. She could have checked out the rumours.
When I assume some responsibility for the way things have gone, I begin to catch a glimmer of hope. As a victim, I have no control; as a learning person, I do have some control.
9. Make things happen.
Those who have been able to move beyond their bitterness to a richer life have not only left their traumatic experiences with God, but they have also assumed responsibility for the present: "Okay, that traumatic thing happened; that's part of history. But what can I do now?"
My mother, who has suffered incredible injustices, said, "Whenever life handed me a rotten deal, I'd work in my flower garden. Flowers always bloomed for me." She has worked on the premise: When all seems out of control, find one corner in which you still have control and work in it. Leave the world a better place than you found it. At 82 years of age, my mother exhibits an exuberant, youthful spirit. For her, life is an adventure full of purposeful activities.
10. Proclaim God is sovereign.
Psalm 10 seems to be the victim's psalm. David writes: "[The wicked] lies in wait near the vil~lages; from ambush he murders the inno~cent, watching in secret for his victims. He lies in wait like a lion in cover; he lies in wait to catch the helpless; he catches the helpless and drags them off in his net. His victims are crushed, they collapse; they fall under his strength" (verses 8-10).
This sounds like a description from our daily newspaper. Life on earth produces its vic~tims--there's no doubt about that. But David moves on to the victim's recourse: "But You, 0 God, do see trouble and grief; You consider it to take it in hand. The vic~tim commits himself to You; You are the helper of the fatherless. . . . You hear, 0 LORD, the desire of the afflicted; You encourage them, and You listen to their cry, defending the fatherless and the oppressed" (verses 14-17).
In another psalm, David writes, "All the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be" (Psalm 139:16). Ultimately, the sovereign Lord is in charge of each day of our lives. In Hebrews 12:15, He promises sufficient grace to get us through life without bitterness: "See to it that no one misses the grace of God." By making use of His abundant grace, we can walk tall in the midst of bitter circumstances. We can use them as oppor~tunities to exercise our faith, to grow in maturity, to become better people instead of bitter people. In all of life, we can be vic~tors instead of victims.
Helen Grace Lescheid is a member of South Abbotsford MB Church in Abbotsford, B.C.
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