God, help me to know You

Maryann Tan

My parents were Buddhist ancestral worshippers. We prayed to Buddha, Kwan-Yin, the goddess of mercy, and other gods. Because I was a sickly, skinny child, Mama took me to various temples to eat and drink the things they offered to the gods. We attended Buddhist festivals, where altars were devoted to dead ancestors and gods. We observed prayer and fasting, followed by feasting in the full moon festival. We observed the annual Buddhist ceremony honouring returned ancestral spirits, and the hungry ghost festival--home cooked food, cakes, a chicken, a barbecued pig, fresh vegetables and various fruits were all set out on an altar for the wandering spirits to eat first; then we would eat. Before the Chinese New Year, we had the purification festival, bringing offerings to guardian spirits so that they would bring us good luck and prosperity.

At a Roman Catholic convent school, I prayed the rosary, bowing down to the tall statue of Mary, the "virgin mother of God", and to other dead saints. At 18 years old, I was baptized and confirmed a Roman Catholic. At the same time, I was still practising Buddhism, following Mama as she preached and taught others.

Every morning very early, I prayed and held joss-sticks to Buddha and the gods just before I attended Catholic mass. Then I went straight to school. Yet, before class began and at recess, I went to the chapel to pray to Mary and the saints. Through Mary, I hoped God would take us out of purgatory and into heaven after we died. I frequently went to confession to the priest. He would tell me to repeat more rosary prayers and do more good works. I donated food and clothes to the poor, visited the sick and sometimes helped in an orphanage.

But my life was filled with fear all the time--fear of sinning against God, fear of going to hell. There was no peace in my heart.

I remained a very devout Catholic. I went to daily mass. At home at night, I got down on my knees by my little altar and prayed to the saints, placing written prayers behind their pictures. In 1975, after I got married and had two lovely daughters, I followed my Catholic husband on a pilgrimage to Rome and to France to visit the shrine at Lourdes. After that, every night, I would spend an hour or more praying to the big statue of Mary my husband had brought from France and to other relics we had brought from Rome.

Yet Mama visited me often, bringing lots of Buddhist prayer books translated into English. She taught my daughters Buddhist prayers, just as I taught them the rosary prayers. They were only four and five years old.

Just two months before we immigrated to Canada, something happened to me. I felt empty. I was not happy, and I found it all very confusing. I had nightmares. Then, one night after praying, I started to cry and could not stop. I went into my daughters' bedroom and knelt in the dark by the window. My heart was so heavy. I cried out to God for the first time. Looking into the night sky, at the stars, I cried and cried. I said, "Father God, I am confused, and I don't know what to do. I am going to give You up because I don't know You. Father God, help me."

Suddenly a light appeared in front of me, and in it an old man with white hair, a long white beard and a long white robe, smiling. He handed a little white book to me, then disappeared. I instantly checked what he had given me, but it was not in my hands. In my mind, I could see the word "Bible" shining brightly. I felt instant peace.

The next day, I told Mama that I was going to find God and the Bible in Canada. In Richmond Hill, Ontario, I knocked at my neighbour's door. She told me to buy a Bible at a bookstore she recommended. The next day, after my husband left for work and the girls left for school, I went to the bookstore. I was shocked to see so many Bibles, so many versions. I pulled one off the shelf with tears rolling down my cheeks and said, "Father God, I don't know which Bible to buy." I flipped open the Bible I was holding, and a verse jumped out: "You will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the LORD" (Jeremiah 29:13-14). Wow! God talks! The Bible talks!

Quickly I bought several versions, and my search began. Every night I cried, asking God to give me understanding to know His words written in the Bible.

I was still attending the Catholic church with my family, but on Easter Sunday after mass, I told the priest I was leaving the Roman Catholic system.

The Bible is God's love letter to me. I fell in love with Jesus Christ. I kept praying--having honest conversations with God. I studied the Bible for myself every night to make up for the lost years I had wasted. I wanted to know more about Jesus.

Jesus said of Himself:

* "I am the way, the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me" (John 14:6).

* "Salvation is found in no one else" (Acts 4:12).

* "For there is one God and one mediator between God and men, the man Jesus Christ" (I Timothy 2:5).

Then I read Exodus 20:4-5: "You shall not make for yourself an idol in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below. You shall not bow down to them or worship them." That was so clear to me that one night after prayers I took everything--statues, rosaries, missals, holy pictures of saints and angels--and I burned them all.

I thank God because Jesus lives forever. He is our permanent priest. Jesus died as a perfect sacrifice for my sins, and that sacrifice will never have to be offered again. The truth has set me free (John 8:32).

On September 12, 1982 we went to a crusade. My neighbour said I should publicly confess my truth in Jesus. I ran down from my seat during the invitation to publicly receive Jesus Christ. My family followed behind. I was so happy. I confessed all my sins, and I thanked Father God for sending His Son Jesus Christ to die for me. I invited Jesus into my heart and my life. I asked Jesus to fill me with His Holy Spirit so that I could live my life for Him every day and please God. The Bible tells me that I am saved and that I can know it: "I have written these things to you who believe in the name of the Son of God so that you may know that you have eternal life" (I John 5:13).

I am so thankful for what God has done for me. My father accepted Jesus and eight months later went home to God. My mama also accepted Jesus. At 79 years old in Toronto, she still rejoices because Jesus has set her free completely from smoking and other habits she had. Now Mama goes to malls and parking lots, telling people about Jesus. Two brothers and their wives and children also accepted Jesus. Both my daughters received Jesus and were baptized. Finally, my husband Andrew has accepted Jesus into his life and was baptized.

For God has not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind (II Timothy 1:7).

Maryann Tan is a member of Willingdon Church in Burnaby, B.C.

Return to the M.B.Herald Vol. 36, No. 4 Home Page