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Zechariah and Elizabeth, like Abraham and Sarah, and Elkanah and Hannah before them, clearly understood the anguish experienced by one in six modern Canadian couples who live with the reality of infertility. Infertility refers to the inability to produce children because of inability to conceive or inability to carry a child to viability. The causes may be physical or psychological, but the effect on the couple may be greater physical, emotional, marital and spiritual trauma than those who have never had to deal with infertility can imagine.
What is there about the inability to have children that sends many childless couples into deep despair? To those who have children, it may seem that the problem is greatly overstated. Why should the question "How many children do you have?" meet with awkwardness? Although well-meant, remarks such as "It must be God's will--just have faith" cut to the heart of the ones desperately longing to have a child. They may respond with coldness out of pure self-defence, leaving the mistaken impression that they are ungrateful or unfeeling.
Perhaps the church family could be more supportive of childless couples if they better understood the reasons that infertility causes such emotional upheaval.
1. The Bible teaches that children are a sign of God's blessing. Psalm 127 says, "Sons are a heritage from the LORD, children a reward from Him. . . . Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them." Comments such as "We have been blessed with two children" may elicit the thought that if I am childless, God must be withholding His blessing from me. Saul's daughter Michal was barren after she ridiculed her husband, King David (II Samuel 6), and it is not unusual for some to see their childlessness as punishment from God. Others wonder if God is keeping them from parenthood because they would be poor parents. It is easy to see how this could diminish self-esteem.
2. There may be the feeling that childless people have failed to fulfill a God-given purpose. Humans have been told to be fruitful and multiply (Genesis 1:28); to do less may be perceived as ungodly.
3. To some, the ability or inability to reproduce says something about their worth, their "completeness" as a male or female.
4. Another factor is the feeling that the childless couple are disappointing others. Proverbs 17:6 states, "Children's children are a crown to the aged." Parents who want to be grandparents may not pressure their married children to have families, but some couples feel this obligation strongly nonetheless. This is especially true in ethnic groups where there is great emphasis placed on bearing children.
5. Women have the inherent need to nurture; ideally this is carried out in motherhood. Many women consider that they fill their most important roles in life through marriage and child-rearing. The childless woman may have difficulty channelling those nurturing instincts in an appropriate manner, and, even if she does, it may not take the place of nurturing her own children.
6. Men may feel the need to carry on the family line and name--to provide continuity and someone to inherit their earthly goods. We are told of Abram's heart-cry when he prayed, "O Sovereign LORD, what can You give me since I remain childless. . . . You have given me no children; so a servant in my household will be my heir" (Genesis 15:2-3). This concept may find its roots in family culture or be tied to a man's own sense of masculinity, but, regardless of the reason, the unfulfilled need brings bitter disappointment.
7. The above factors lead naturally to the idea that the family is incomplete without children. If a couple is not finding fulfilment in their relationship with the Lord and with one another, they often look to having children to fill the void. When children are missing from the family portrait, the couple may feel incomplete.
8. Fear of blame from the spouse is uppermost in many childless marriages. When the infertility can be traced clearly to one partner, the strain is intensified. It is estimated that about 30 percent of cases of infertility are due to physical problems of the woman, 30 percent are traced to the man, and the remainder are the result of a combination of factors or are undiagnosed.
Couples who must face the fact that their infertility is final and pregnancy will not occur in the ordinary course of events, may go through a period of grieving as real as if there had been a family death. There will often be surprise, denial, anger, guilt, depression and marital stress. The couple may also blame God. If they have been taught that anger toward God is sinful, the anger may be redirected to a "safer" receptacle--the spouse. Sometimes couples try to make deals with God. I Samuel 1:10-11 records Hannah's bargain with the Lord: "In bitterness of soul Hannah wept much and prayed to the LORD. And she made a vow, saying, `O LORD Almighty, if You will only look upon Your servant's misery and remember me, and not forget Your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the LORD for all the days of his life.' "
How can people going through such private pain be helped? Why do we address such issues in the Herald? Is infertility really a spiritual issue, or should it be dealt with on a physical level only? There is nothing that affects only one area of our being. God created us as totally integrated physical, spiritual, psychological and social creatures. Infertility affects every aspect of our being, and, given the spiritual nature of the family, infertility is definitely a matter of spiritual concern.
I suggest that childless couples have at least four main areas of need.
1. Spousal support. One of the greatest strengths is a spouse who does not place guilt-inducing blame, but who considers it his or her spiritual duty to be loving, tender and supportive. Husband and wife need to continue to build a firm relationship with one another. It may be necessary to seek godly counselling to help the couple through marital stresses.
2. A solid faith. When I grappled with this problem in my own life, I found it was important to closely examine my belief system. What I believe about God will, above all else, determine how I cope with life and its difficulties.
First, I had to acknowledge the sovereignty of God. To be sovereign means to be "chief or highest; supreme in power and position to all others; independent of and unlimited by any other; possessing independent authority". All of Scripture testifies to the truth of God's sovereignty. Psalm 73:28 says, "But as for me, it is good to be near God. I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge; I will tell of all Your deeds." Believing in a sovereign God meant that I could trust Him to be greater than circumstances. He is fully able to do all that He decides is right and good; there is nothing too hard for Him.
Psalm 139 reminded me that God knows all things concerning me. He saw my body when it was still being formed, and created it according to His design--He "knit me together". That meant that any seeming flaw in my physical being was part of His special design for me. It was not an accident. "I am fearfully and wonderfully made." He could have created me differently--but He did not.
Because I knew God loved me completely, I knew I could trust Him. Psalm 13:5 states, "I trust in your unfailing love."
Putting those truths together with Romans 8:28 ("We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose"), I had to conclude that God had a better plan in mind for us. Accepting these truths did not come immediately. It was a slow, often painful process. It is important that the childless couple and those close to them be patient.
3. A strong sense of personal identity. Because my identity is not tied up in my reproductive organs, not being able to give birth did not make me a lesser woman than a woman who has had 12 children. My worth is not determined by my ability to have children but by who I am in Jesus Christ--His creation, totally and unconditionally loved by Him. Being convinced of this is vital. Only as I understand this am I able to graciously withstand the thoughtless comments of those who lack insight into the situation.
As the years passed, God's "better plan" for us emerged. Children from three separate situations needed godly parents. God knew their need, and He knew ours. In His infinite wisdom, He blended our family according to His specifications to bring joy to us and glory to Himself.
4. A reliable support system. It is essential to have family and friends who understand the situation, who will encourage the couple to seek out godly solutions and who will be supportive in any decisions made. It is important that concerned loved ones recognize infertility as a legitimate condition with a variety of possible solutions. Hollow platitudes do not help, even though said in sincerity. A better response would be to approach involuntary childlessness like any other disease or chronic condition. It should never be misconstrued as punishment, lack of faith or abandonment by God. Listening nonjudgementally as a couple tells their story and as they express their honest feelings is one of the most helpful things supporters can do.
The couple may consider adoption, invitro fertilization or other methods of bringing children into their family. Even if the direction taken is not one with which they agree, it is important that family and friends do not withdraw love and that they help and support where, in good conscience, they are able to do so. Knowing that others are praying for them in their decision-making is helpful to the couple.
You can also suggest that the couple seek out or begin a support group to help themselves and encourage others. Getting to know the experiences of others, examining various avenues of resolution, sharing grief and providing opportunities to learn together can be very valuable.
A pastor can be a great source of strength and encouragement. He should be aware of the need for sensitivity in planning Mother's Day and Father's Day celebrations, child dedications and even Christmas. We cannot ignore such wonderful church family events, but we need to be aware that these times tend to isolate childless couples, who may choose to remain at home rather than deal with the pain of other people's joy in their children.
Childless couples need to know that their feelings are valid, even if they do not seem particularly holy. It takes time to work through to acceptance and resolution. As a church, we have much to offer in prayer, understanding, patience and the love of Christ.
Beatrice Klassen is a counsellor and a member of Niagra Falls (Ont.) Christian Fellowship.
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