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1. Offer empathy.
During an especially difficult time for me, my sister checked a book out of the library describing one person's experience with infertility. "I wanted to try to understand how you're feeling," she told me. Another friend cried after I told her of a miscarriage. Knowing others shared my pain helped.
2. Avoid giving advice.
Some advice is not only annoying, it's not true. Saying, "Just relax, you're trying too hard" is an example. Infertility causes stress; stress does not cause infertility. "Why don't you `just adopt'?" is another piece of advice best left unsaid. Couples must grieve their inability to give birth to a child before beginning the adoption process.
3. Let the couple grieve.
They are going through a legitimate grieving process. Not only must they grieve the loss after each unsuccessful month of trying and after each failed procedure, but they need to grieve the fact that life is turning out different from what they had expected it would be. Avoid urging them to "look at the bright side" of not having children. To begin a healthy healing process, the infertile couple needs to feel and express their pain.
4. Let them question God.
"If God is in control, why is this happening to me?" and "Wouldn't I make a better mother than this teenager in the mall? Can't God see that?" are questions frequently asked by couples struggling with infertility. Try not to offer pithy answers such as "God only gives you as much as you can handle" and "God must know you're not ready to be a parent." Right now, the couple needs freedom to be angry at God; it's part of healing.
5. Pray for them.
Even though they may be wondering how God fits into their pain, the couple will value your prayers. When I was most doubtful about God's presence, I still found comfort in friends' prayers that we would be surrounded by supportive friends and find a way to accept whatever path our journey took.
6. Be forgiving.
The ups and downs of infertility, often referred to as an emotional roller coaster, are exhausting. People struggling with infertility experience soaring hopes and plunging disappointment month after month. Rage and jealousy are common. You may not enjoy being around the couple at these times. They probably don't like who they've become either.
7. Ask questions.
It is awkward for the couple to know when it is appropriate to talk. But sharing stories is healing; people experiencing infertility need to talk. Within the safety of a small group, ask how they are doing. If they want to talk, they will pick up on your invitation. If they don't want to talk, they need to be responsible to say, "Thanks, but I'd rather not talk about it now."
8. Allow the couple to skip church.
Some Sundays, such as Mother's/Father's Day and parent/child dedications, may simply be too painful. Baby showers and birthday parties are also awkward at best and devastating at worst. Invite the couple to those gatherings. If they choose not to attend, see it as a way they are choosing to care for themselves.
9. Be aware of scriptural references to barrenness.
The Bible was written in a time when infertility was considered a woman's problem. In reality, infertility is found to be a female problem only 35 percent of the time; it is found to be a male problem another 35 percent of the time, a combined problem 20 percent and unattributable 10 percent of the time.
10. Respect their pain when you share your news.
How awkward to find yourself joyously pregnant, but in a small group with an infertile couple. Don't feel obligated to be miserable for their sakes. But do give them a call before you announce your news; they can choose to stay home or at least prepare emotionally for your announcement in a public setting.
11. Start a support group.
Check with those in your church experiencing infertility to see if they would find a church-based support group helpful. Group members could include close friends, people who have resolved their inability to have children, those who have recently grieved the death of a loved one or others who have experienced a life dramatically different from what they had envisioned it would be.
12. Create rituals to mark the experience.
Rituals such as weddings, funerals, graduations and going-away parties publicly mark many of the transitions in our lives. Many infertile people have found healing in participating in private or public rituals that acknowledge the progress of their lives. Planting a tree or burying a symbol of the child who would have been can provide the couple, as well as family and friends, with an important release. The ritual will validate the couple's grief and may help them move on.
Further Resources
(recommended by MCC Women's Concerns Report)
No Child in my Life by Regina Sara Ryan (Stillpoint Publishers, phone 1-800-847-4014).
Give us a Child: Coping with the Personal Crisis of Infertility by Lynda Stephenson (Zondervan).
Adopting After Infertility by Patricia Irwin Johnston (Perspectives Press).
Sweet Grapes: How to Stop Being Infertile and Start Living Again by Jean W. Carter and Michael Carter (Perspectives Press).
Andrea Schrock Wenger and her husband Delbert are program coordinators for Mennonite Central Committee in the Appalachian region of the US. This article is reprinted, with permission, from the November-December, 1996 issue of MCC Women's Concerns Report.
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