I have four children

Carolyn Bergen

Branden and Matthew lived 135 days. My greatest sorrow is that they never had opportunity to take a breath. But they lived--they lived inside me. They grew, perfectly formed, each developing ten fingers and ten toes, a tiny little mouth and a nose. They kept each other company during the carefree days of my pregnancy, and were side by side during the difficult days in the hospital when their lives were in grave danger. Branden was a "livewire"--my "right baby"--whose heart rate wildly fluctuated when the nurses counted it twice a day. This made sense, what with all the kicking and rolling he did! Matthew, my "left baby", was a quiet one, his heart rate constant at 136 beats per minute. I think he could have been a bookworm--he was a mellow child. Branden had big hands--they would have been good for piano playing, the nurse thought. Matthew's ears were a little big, giving him an adorable look all his own. Both were very tiny, weighing just over half a pound each, but each filled my heart completely with love as I held their tiny, lifeless bodies wrapped in blue blankets. My love for them is eternal as I picture them romping with Jesus in heaven's meadow. Even now, a smile crosses my lips as I imagine them playing some celestial game with their five tiny, nameless cousins. No one on earth has met them, but they are nevertheless also loved passionately.

Their life was short--much too short. Psalm 139 says, "You formed me in my mother's womb. . . . You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit, how I was sculpted from nothing into something. Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth" (The Message

). Yes, God saw fit to allow them to die in what, in my eyes, was far too soon a time. I would like to ask God "Why?" when I meet Him face to face. But God, for the time they were with me, did give them life in all its fullness. God gave me two priceless children whom He loves, whom my husband and I love. But they were stillborn into a world that too often neglects the importance of their lives. In a time and place where mention of them is met by awkward silence and confusion, Branden and Matthew are my children; they are children of God.

So, if you ask me how many children I have, my lips will say "Two," but my heart will shout "Four!" Please, please listen to my heart.

Carolyn Bergen is a graduate of Mennonite Brethren Biblical Seminary and a member of Fort Garry MB Church in Winnipeg.