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At the Canadian Conference board meetings in August, 1995, I would go outside, find a spot where nobody was, lie down, close my eyes and try to sort out my head so that I would have enough energy to appear normal. Many times, I felt like screaming, "This isn't worth it", getting on a plane and coming home. But that was irrational, and Peter isn't irrational. Those meetings were good, but I wasn't feeling good.
Apparently what happened was that my body began to rebel. My brain ceased producing sufficient serotonin, which is the natural feel-good drug. Normally, if you find out something good, you get a raise or the friend you have been praying for for ten years comes to the Lord, serotonin kicks in and you feel on top of the world. I didn't have that ability anymore.
On Monday, I was feeling no different, and on Tuesday I went to see the doctor. On Sunday, I had written in my journal: "I feel like I am on the edge of a cliff, clinging by my fingernails. I need to get back on top. I am hanging by a thread and have too much on the go. Help me, Lord."
That's the day my body decided it had taken enough abuse and shut down. Burnout is the body's way of saying that if you won't take the time to rebuild, the body will make time for you.
Depression isn't just deep sadness. When someone you love dies, you experience healthy feelings of deep sadness. Yet those healthy feelings can turn into depression. Depression interferes with normal functioning. Everything becomes skewed. Depression is not realistic and is the result of distorted thinking. It is an illness, and feels hopeless even though the prognosis is really excellent.
There are nine basic symptoms of depression:
1. A change in eating patterns.
1. Sleeping disorders, either insomnia or constant sleep.
3. Feelings of extreme agitation or restlessness, or a dull slow-down feeling. Sometimes I was feeling dull, and other times I was highly agitated. I felt I needed to do things. I was doing woodworking in my shed, and I would get up at 4:00 or 5:00 in the morning and stay in my woodshed till 11:00 or 12:00 at night, furiously working on things. My body was still not experiencing the rest it needed, but I felt not doing anything would be death.
4. Feelings of worthlessness or guilt. I felt I was worthless, that everything was my fault.
5. Difficulty concentrating. One of my doctors called this "sensory overload". I couldn't watch television or listen to the radio. I never read anything. I had real problems trying to go to church and listen to a sermon.
6. Discouragement.
7. Impaired thinking patterns and irrational thoughts. I would take everything people said literally. Sandy would say, "I am going out. I'll be back in an hour." An hour would go by, and she wouldn't be home. I would think something had happened to her, maybe a flat tire. After an hour and a half, I would think she had been in an accident. It got to the point on several occasions where I would not answer the door or the telephone because it would be the police telling me that Sandy was dead. I would be already hibernated in some corner of the house, waiting for the inevitable, when Sandy would walk in. So Sandy learned to phone me often while she was gone.
8. Loss of sex drive.
9. Suicidal ideation. I experienced thoughts of death and wishing death could happen. Do you know you can't will a car to cross the line and kill you? One thing I learned about suicide is that the final step is a very small and insignificant one by the time you are there, because it is at the end of a path consisting of multiple small steps of separation. When you come to that point, the easiest, the most natural step is suicide, and you are convinced it would be in the best interest of everybody.
Experts say that if you have five out of nine of these symptoms, you are experiencing a major depressive episode. I experienced major difficulties in all nine.
The thing that especially frustrated me was sensory overload. My brain refused to process data. For most people, the brain is like a sieve. Our senses pick up information and process it as it pours through. I feel like my sieve turned into a funnel. As long as I was receiving only a little information, I had time to process it. But when I got too much, I completely freaked out. Sometimes somebody could ask me how I felt about something that had just happened. I wouldn't know how I felt for several days. It took a long time for the information to trickle through. I would be working outside and all of a sudden reality would hit. I would say, "Oh, is that what they were trying to say?"
My therapist said that if she had gotten hold of me earlier, she could have diagnosed that I was a candidate for depression. For everyone there are outward and inward forces, pressures, but they are different. For me, the outward force was busyness; I had my fingers in too many pies. The inward force was that I was driven by performance. I always felt that I never quite measured up to other people in my field. I have two years of Bible school and one year of college, so I had no piece of paper to hang on my wall. I felt I had to prove over and over again that I was qualified. When people would say, "You did a good job", I would think, "I don't think so. There were all kinds of things I could have done better." That was my perfectionistic nature.
Why is it that Christians shoot their wounded, especially people with a mental illness? I think it is because mental illness doesn't fit in with the in theology. They think that if you are feeling down, you should just pray about it, count your blessings. Jesus has renewed your spirit, so everything should be fine. But is my mind not fallible? If you break your arm, nobody says you sinned because you were rollerblading and didn't have protective gear on. But when the problem is in the mind, people say, "Have you confessed your sin?".
The book of Job took on a whole new meaning, and as I read the Psalms, I concluded that only a man who had experienced deep depression could write the way that some of those writers wrote. I took comfort that God would use people even during tough times.
I sensed the prayers of many people who cared. Missionaries talk about when they are in danger, they sense God's presence. I felt the same at some of my darkest moments. I felt protected from myself and from the evil one.
1. An avalanche can start with the tiniest of snowflakes; it does not take a major event to bring on a catastrophe. What was the final snowflake for me? I have no idea. Lots was happening in my life. Which was the final trigger is not important, because the first snowflake was just as responsible for the avalanche as the last one.
2. Joy can come from pain. This is not an easy lesson, nor a comfortable one, because we certainly don't like pain. But, by the grace of God, a stumbling block can be turned into a stepping stone. We can learn lessons never learned within the comfort zones of life. I think one of the beauties of heaven is that we will be able to learn without pain.
3. Emotional or mental pain can be just as real as physical pain. I wish I had had a heart attack. That's acceptable. People understand it. People will slap you on the back and say, "So how's the old ticker doing? Watching your excercise? Eating right?". Nobody yet has slapped me on the shoulder and said, "So how's the old noggin doing? Managing to work things out?" I want to be treated like the guy with the heart attack.
4. Patience is more than a virtue; it is a necessity in order to live in this world. There are things that can wait until tomorrow, maybe even beyond that, perhaps a year, perhaps a lifetime.
5. Priorities must be chosen in direct proportion to their effect on eternity. There are too many things that upset us too easily that have no bearing on eternity.
6. We must think in terms of energy rather than time. Somebody comes to you and says, "This is really important. Can you find time to do it?" You look at the assignment and say, "Yes, it is important." Part of my problem is that I was raised to be many things. I don't call an electrician for electrical work, or a plumber for plumbing work. Around the church, if I saw a lock that wasn't working right, I would just as soon take a few minutes to fix it as take a few minutes to phone someone to fix it. I was looking at what would take the least amount of time. What I was failing to recognize was what takes the least amount of energy. Now I say, "What do I have energy for? Where can I get the most use out of my energy?" In answer to the question, "Do you have time?", anybody can think, "Well, I wasted a bit of time yesterday, and if I wouldn't waste that time. . . . " But if I look at it in terms of energy, I would say I wasn't wasting time, I was rebuilding energy. Energy-conscious people recognize the source of their energy, and provide time for refuelling--spiritually, emotionally, physically, academically.
7. God loves us and accepts us just as we are. For somebody who is hurting in the soul, that is a big thing.
8. People care, more than we realize. People want to help, but often they don't know how. And sometimes those who are hurting don't know what help they need.
9. The value of a caring and supportive spouse can never be measured.
10. There is a big difference between withdrawal and space. Withdrawal is a refusal of help, a cutting off of good and bad; it leads to separation and death. Space is very healthy; we all need space.
11. None of us is indispensable. I thought I knew that, and I preached that. I have been very encouraged to see our church doing very well without me.
12. The wings of prayer are just that, the wings of prayer.
13. Life is very precious. Every breath of air that I draw, each new day is a gift from God. I never saw here in the valley the beauty of the sunset, the trees, the waterfalls, the birds. I have spent much time watching birds. One time, when I was in my backyard, I actually sat still enough that a bird sat on my shoulder, just for a second, before he took off.
On the other hand, I have a passion for people who are hurting, more than I ever had before. Quite a few people have contacted me about depression and I am glad they have. Sandy and I have a dream of being able to provide some comfort to pastors and spouses who are feeling at the end of their rope. I have been helping Sandy in her job of training people to be foster parents, and I thoroughly enjoy it. We would like to see that area in our life expanded. I am much more interested in people, in hearing what people say. I am more sensitive to the question, "How are you today?"
Peter Falk resigned as associate pastor of Broadway MB Church in Chilliwack, B.C. in January, 1996.
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