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As a child, I learned about You in Sunday school. It's hard to recall the picture I had of You in my mind at that early age. I remember going to Sunday school because it was proper and because good children do that. I remember the simple hymns we sang, such as "Jesus Loves Me, This I Know". But I didn't really know You.
I recall my early teens when I learned from my peers that it was not cool to pray or attend church. Vaguely, I recall drifting slowly away from the church community. What I found was drugs, loneliness and deep, deep despair.
I recall so vividly, Father, walking home at 2:00 in the morning, alone, unhappy, drunk and high on drugs. I was about 19 years old. My hair was long, and my clothing reflected the spirit of rebellion which characterized the counterculture I had adopted. I raised my fist towards heaven and cursed You, saying, "I hate You, God!"
It is ironic that I cursed a God in whom I said I did not believe. Looking back on that day almost 20 years ago, what I really meant to say was, "Lord, I'm falling apart. Will You please help me?" But as You know, I fell deeper into the morass, deeper into the pit.
I tried to find peace in various "isms" and "ologies". Transcendental meditation was a farce, as was scientology. I tried to find myself on a psychiatrist's couch, but I seemed to only go around in circles.
And yet, through all of this, You were calling me. I see that now. You sent dozens and dozens of people to me, trying to draw me home like a wayward son. Of course, I would not hear You. In fact, I laughed and scoffed. I continued to search for myself.
I was told about all the good things in my life, about all the blessings. I was determined to stamp them out. Why? Because I thought I was worthless. I hated myself.
For years, I lived for drugs and alcohol. When I wound up in a mental institution, I scared myself. I decided to quit drugs. For 13 years, I used no street drugs, but I still lived for pleasure--sexual pleasure, alcohol, deviant perverted acts and fantasies. And the despair grew deeper. When I tried to end my life, You intervened. I see that now. Then I tried to get my act together. I gave up alcohol and thought I was doing so well. But my sexual addiction grew worse and worse, as I began to commit criminal offenses to increase my pleasure.
I made a half-hearted effort to come back to You, but when it came to changing my way of living, I drew the line. I said I didn't believe, but secretly I was afraid that You were real. I was desperately running away from You and from the truth about myself. The further I ran, the more twisted my thinking was, and the more insane my behaviour. I led a double life--the North American dream of wife, children and family, and the secret, perverted behaviours of a sexual addict. I was out of control and sinking fast.
Only when I truly hit bottom did I turn to You. In prison, I got on my knees in desperation and asked You to help me believe in You. Some months later, I received a tiny seed of faith, and I knew You were real.
As time went by in prison, I started to see beyond myself. What a revelation to see that I was not the centre of Your universe. After all those years of fearing the wrath of God, I was beginning to see the loving, compassionate Saviour who died for me.
All those wasted, painful years. Thank You, Almighty God! Through it all, I see Your hand. Your grace is surely a wondrous thing. At times, it seems unreal that You can forgive me.
Giving You my will is not easy. I trust You more as time goes on. I see You at work in my life and in the lives of others. At times, I still despair. But somehow I know that the good work You have begun within me will be seen through to completion.
Lord, help me to change. Make the influence of Your Holy Spirit show in my life. Thank You for loving me. Help me to truly love You and other people.
Reprinted, with permission, from the newsletter of M2/W2, a ministry to prisoners based in Abbotsford, B.C. The author has now been released on parole and is living a new life.
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