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For adoptions, the pendulum is swinging from secrecy to openness; from our 57-year-old friend who found her birth mother this year, to our own grandsons, Aaron and Daniel, who regularly phone and visit their birth parents.
When Larry (my son) and Lorine Hooge first began to consider adoption (see MBH, May 16, 1997), they spent much time praying, reading, attending seminars and talking with other adoptive parents and adoptees. They applied to Hope Services in Abbotsford, B.C., where they learned that they could allow the birth mother to be part of their adopted child's life if all parties were in agreement.
When a birth mother chooses Hope Services, she is given the profiles of three couples. As part of the profiles, the adoptive parents write a "Dear Birth Mother" letter in which they introduce themselves and describe their lifestyle, careers, interests, beliefs and family goals. The birth mother (and the birth father if he is involved) chooses which couple she will entrust to raise her child.
As Larry and Lorine began the process, Larry had some reservations about the open relationship. Lorine, however, empathized with the feelings of the birth mother. She was led to pray for the birth mother and the baby, and discovered later that she had begun praying about one month after their son was conceived.
Kellie, Aaron's birth mother, had concerns of her own. While she was comfortable with her choice of Larry and Lorine, she wanted assurances that they had a legal guardian for Aaron and that she would receive pictures and letters at least once per year. When Larry and Lorine received Aaron, they also received a videotape of Kellie and Aaron in the hospital and of the dedication service the birth family held for Aaron.
After two years of exchanging letters, photos and phone calls with Kellie, their relationship had grown to a deep friendship characterized by mutual respect. A meeting was arranged, and Larry, Lorine and Kellie spent a weekend getting to know one another better. Aaron was not present, though, as Lorine was not yet ready to have her parenting put on display and Kellie did not know if she could say goodbye to Aaron again. Five months later, Larry and Lorine brought Aaron to meet Kellie. Aaron took to her instantly and related to her with the same enthusiasm he had for his favourite baby-sitter.
When Larry and Lorine applied to adopt a second child, they decided to begin the open relationship right away. They were chosen by Heather and Jeremy. Larry and Lorine met them before their baby was born to talk about their goals and expectations.
When the day came for Heather and Jeremy to relinquish Daniel, they were accompanied by the birth grandmothers. Heather herself placed Daniel into Lorine's arms.
Larry and Lorine have known Kellie for over eight years now, and Heather and Jeremy for over four, and have met many of their relatives. They are very comfortable with the relationships, and to Aaron and Daniel the relationships are natural. Together with the birth families, they celebrate special occasions and go on picnics. Aaron attended Kellie's wedding, as well as his birth grandfather's funeral. Daniel attended Heather's graduation.
For Larry and Lorine, the open adoption process has been very positive, and the birth families have been very supportive. Larry and Lorine say the relationship is like a marriage. Although it takes work to maintain and there is vulnerability, the rewards are very worthwhile. Larry and Lorine have a deep respect for the birth parents. They feel there is no greater gift than to give one's own child.
Even though Aaron and Daniel are from different biological families, they arrived in the Hooge household under similar circumstances. Both were cared for by the same foster mother between the time they left the hospital and the time they were placed with Larry and Lorine, and both were 13 days old on the placement date. Larry and Lorine chose to retain the names given by the birth parents; consequently, both Aaron and Daniel have the middle name James. Later, both birth mothers learned things about their own health after their sons had been diagnosed with medical conditions (asthma and allergies).
Selma Hooge is a member of Central Heights MB Church in Abbotsford, B.C. Larry and Lorine Hooge are members of West Clearbrook MB Church in Abbotsford.<
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