He and She

by Dora Dueck

He rises early; She likes to sleep in. He's impulsive; She takes a long time making decisions. He plays to win; She thinks doing an activity is enjoyment enough. He. . . . well, you get the drift. They're different. And they're married.

He and She were the honoured couple at a 25th wedding anniversary my husband and I attended last fall. During their part in the program, they shared how they met and fell in love. They told us being married was fun at first, like playing house. But all too soon the reality of their differences confronted them.

@It seemed that all we had in common was that we got married the same day!@ they said. The response of the audience to their humorous but honest presentation indicated their experience was all too familiar. ASounds like we're not the only ones as different as night and day,@ I remarked to my husband later.

This couple's frank testimony was refreshing because most of us don't talk easily about what marriage really involves. We'd rather present a cheerful united front and gloss over the tough parts.

But we've got to risk the truth, if for no other reason than our children. My hunch is that many aspects of marriage are more of a challenge for my generation than my parents'. There is very little in contemporary society that fosters solid, lasting marital relationships.

Let's tell our kids that marriage--especially a good marriage--is work. In The Good Marriage, Judith Wallerstein observes that the happy couples she studied, unlike the many divorcing couples she sees, viewed marriage as Aa work in progress that needed continued attention lest it fall into disrepair@.

Let's also tell our kids that the work is worth it. AMy legs ache, but we made it@ is the wonderful title of an open letter Phillip Yancey wrote to his wife on their 25th anniversary. He compared their accomplishment to climbing a mountain. AI grieve,@ he wrote, Afor those couples who give up before reaching this stage.@

He and She didn't end their part at the anniversary party with their list of opposites. They explained how they are learning to make seeming incompatibilities the building blocks of a common life. Stories such as theirs, combining romance and realism, faith and effort, are tremendously instructive. They deserve to be told out loud and in front of the kids.

Dora Dueck is a freelance writer living in Winnipeg, Man. Reprinted, with permission, from ChristianWeek.

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