Is marriage still the better choice?

by Willard S. Krabill

It is also difficult to affirm marriage without seeming to say that singleness is not equally valid. It is. Single people should experience the same affirmation and support that those who are married receive. The Bible in a number of places even says singleness is preferable in certain circumstances. Nevertheless, for those considering a relationship, I am convinced that marriage deserves serious consideration.

Those who belittle marriage and a public ceremony of commit~ment are er and offer support to the newly married couple. The church can also serve as an Aextended family@ who will support the commitment we have made and to whom we can be accountable. Christian marriage also makes possible spiritual intimacy. A shared faith, a shared understanding of the world and a sense of God's leading and presence foster a depth of intimacy that those who do not have such a faith can scarcely understand.

Whether most unmarried partners admit it or not, sex is a major motivation for living together. As a physician, I was often asked to help married couples with sexual problems. Very often, having lived together before marriage made things worse, not better. Through my contact with many patients and students, I have observed that real sexual freedom is experienced best within a committed marriage relationship not preceded by premarital sex. Marriage partners are free to learn to make love together, to be themselves, to not be on trial, to not be compared to previous partners, to not have to perform, to experiment endlessly, to say Ano@ as well as Ayes@, to laugh at themselves and to be loved unconditionally. That is real sexual freedom.

5. Living together does not have a good track record

Many people live together as an alternative lifestyle, not intending marriage. Many others live together as a Atrial@ in anticipation of marriage. This rarely works. Either one has made a commitment or one hasn't. Marriage can't be practised beforehand.

A University of Wisconsin study found that those who live together before marriage increased their odds of divorce by 50 percent. Another study found the increase was 80 percent. The author of the book, The Living Together Trap, says that although most women enter the arrangement expecting a monogamous relationship, many find their partners cheating on them. They further discover that the men have had previous experiences of liv~ing together about which the women had not been told.

This data is not very reassuring in the age of AIDS, herpes, chlamydia and hepatitis B. Only 50 percent of the couples studied ever married, and the casualty rate for those marriages greatly exceeded the divorce rate of those who had not lived together prior to marriage. One study found that only 19 percent of men who lived with their girlfriends eventually married them.

In my study of the Bible, I find only affirmation of faithful, committed marriage and only negative statements about either adultery (being sexually unfaithful to one's spouse) or fornication (the word used to describe improper sex of all kinds, including intercourse outside marriage). Marriage is affirmed in the Bible, and sexual intercourse is also affirmed--but only when placed firmly within the context of marriage.

One of the rewarding experiences for me has been to note how following the Bible's guidelines serves our own best interests. Committed, faithful marriage is the most satisfying. Abstinence before marriage and faithfulness within it would eliminate our need to worry about unwed pregnancies, sexually transmitted diseases, most HIV infections (AIDS), as well as the emotional pain that derives from multiple sexual partnerships. Why then do we ignore the guidelines? They work.

My criticism of Aliving together@ is also a criticism of the way too many people go into marriage--casually, prematurely and not fully committed. Until we have an adequate sense of who we are and have a personal commitment to the Bible's values (such as faithfulness and self-sacrificing love), marriage is not likely to be successful.

If you choose singleness, you can have a full life, experience affection, have intimate friendships, enjoy a life of fulfillment and receive affirmation as a whole person.

If you choose marriage, don't take your directions from society's current attitudes of self-centredness and preoccupation with pleasure or from the marital example of many of our public figures. Rather, take your directions from the teachings of Jesus, from those who take their marriage commitment seriously and from the wisdom of those who have experienced the trials and rewards of long-term marriage and have remained loving and faithful.

Marriage is still the most excellent choice.

Willard Krabill is college physician emeritus and associate professor emeritus of health education at Goshen (Ind.) College. This article is a condensed uersion of a talk he gave to students at the College on March 14, 1994. It has previously been published in Goshen College Bulletin and Gospel Herald.