Secrets for making love last and last and last

by Victor M. Parachin

When asked to describe his marriage, Bob spontaneously speaks in glowing terms: AI can walk into a room with 500 people in it, and in 10 seconds I can spot Louise. Just seeing her makes me feel good. Being with her is always a pleasure and a high point of my day. She knows me better than any human being alive, and I know everything about her. I can tell you what perfume she wears, and I can tell you her dress size is 10. I know the food she loves and loathes. It's wonderful to share your life with someone like Louise.@

The man speaking is not a newlywed still in the Ahoneymoon@ phase of marital life. Bob is retired and has been married to Louise for 50 years. Clearly, Bob and Louise, like many other happily married couples, know how to make love last. They fill their marriage with a wide range of courtesies and kindnesses, large and small. Here are some secrets for loving deeply, tenderly and lastingly.

* Look out for Number 2. The Bible says AHonour one another above yourselves@ (Romans 12:10). Troubled marriages are usually those where partners operate on the principle of Alooking out for Number 1". The best and longest lasting marriages are characterized by the philosophy of ALook out for Number 2", meaning that these marriages operate on the principle of giving rather than taking. In these unions, couples place the needs, aspirations, hopes and dreams of their partner ahead of their own. Of course, as one partner does this over the course of the marriage, it is likely that the other partner will respond with the same love, caring, affection, kindness and consideration.

* Be generous with praise. At least once a day, find something to praise in your partner. Put into daily practice this advice from the Bible: AWhatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things@ (Philippians 4:8). Psychologist John Gottman, who studied 2000 married couples, says a minimum of five positive interactions for every negative one is essential to marital bliss.

*In crisis, become as one. Nothing bonds a husband and wife more tightly than standing strongly together during a time of crisis.

* Spend lots of time together. It is a myth that happy couples have independent lives, says psychologist Catherine Johnson. AEven if they don't share all the same interests, happy couples spend a lot of time together. These couples have definitely found a shared identity. Over time, they stopped feeling single at heart and came to be married at heart@ (Luck in Love: The Secrets of Happy Couples and How Their Marriages Thrive).

* Believe the best, not the worst, about your spouse. The Bible says, ALove always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres@ (I Corinthians 13:7). Sadly, many couples rob their relationship of all joy, hope and love because they neglect the positives in their mate and see only the negatives.

* Express your love frequently and creatively.

* Make your marriage a priority. According to a study of 50 happily married couples by psycholgist Judith Wallertein, all 50 believed that creating a successful marriage was a major commitment of their adult lives.

Victor M. Parachin writes from Claremont, Calif. Reprinted, with permission, from Our Family.

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