Unnatural Act

by John Unger

We chuckle in recognition; we've been there. But her insight into the nature of forgiveness makes us stop and think. Forgiveness is an unnatural act, which goes against all laws of nature. Dolphins do not forgive sharks for eating their playmates. Forgiveness goes against the laws of the playground. Imagine an umpire saying, AYou're OUT! But I'll forgive you for missing the base. You can be safe.@ Forgiveness violates our sense of justice, and the wife mentioned above was protesting its blatant unfairness.

We used to consider forgiveness a religious issue, the specialty of pastors and priests. But research shows that forgiveness is necessary for everyone's mental, emotional and physical well-being.

Before we go on, let's clear up some misconceptions. There are several things that forgiveness is not.

1. Forgiveness is not saying, AIt's okay; it doesn't matter.@ If it doesn't matter, we don't need forgiveness. Forgiveness is necessary precisely because it is not okay, it does matter.

2. Forgiving is not forgetting. Whoever said, AForgive and forget@? Some hurts last a lifetime. With time, we may forgive, but we may never be able to forget.

3. Forgiveness does not excuse nor give permission for continuing hurtful behaviour. Forgiveness names the offense and holds the offender responsible.

If forgiveness is not saying, AIt's okay, no big deal, it doesn't matter, we'll forget about it,@ then what is forgiveness?

1. Forgiveness is an act of Arelease-and-let-go@. When we forgive, we are saying, AWhat you did was not fair. I did not deserve it. It hurt me deeply. But I will no longer hold it against you in our relationship. I will not carry the grudge or harbour resentment. I will absorb the pain, and release you. I choose to let go.@

The amazing thing is that when we release someone else, we ourselves are released. All the backlog of pent-up anger, bitterness and resentment that clogs up our lives and poisons our relationships is cleared away. Forgiveness sets us free.

2. Forgiveness is a process. Like peeling an onion, you take off the skin, only to discover another layer, and another, until, many tears later, you've peeled it down to the core.

When there has been a massive betrayal of trust, a great and lifelong injury, do not expect to forgive in a moment. It takes time to recover from shock, to understand the magnitude of what happened, to touch the bottom of our pain. We may say, AI intend to forgive you, to release and let go, but please understand that this will take time.@

If forgiveness is so difficult, why bother? What does it accomplish?

1. Forgiveness breaks the cycle of violence and blame. England, 1979. People are waiting for the train. In a classic case of one-thing-leads-to-another, someone threw a French fry. That led to words. Words led to blows. At the end of a huge brawl, seven men aged 18-29 received jail terms of three-to-four years.

When we get caught in a vicious cycle of escalating violence, forgiveness offers an exit. Instead of digging in, forgiveness allows us to walk away with our dignity intact.

2. Forgiveness loosens the stranglehold of guilt. In 1990, East Germany had just elected its first free Parliament. Its first official act was to vote on a motion asking all the Jews of the world to forgive East Germans for the humiliation, expulsion and murder of Jewish men, women and children. The decision was unanimous.

So, what did that act accomplish? The motion could not bring a single person back to life. No, but it helped begin to loosen the stranglehold of guilt that had pressed against the necks of East Germans for nearly 50 years.

3. Forgiveness gives a second chance to allow change, growth and improvement. Several years ago, a Japanese pilot flew his aircraft into San Francisco Bay, well short of the runway. At the inquest, his first words were, AI screw up.@ Everyone expected him to be fired, never to fly again. But the company forgave him. AWhy should we fire him?@ they asked. AHe will become our best pilot.@

Other companies are discovering that a forgiveness policy is necessary in order for employees to risk new or creative ideas. Forgiveness means failure is not fatal; it offers a second chance. It lets us try again.

4. Forgiveness can transform a life. In Victor Hugo's novel Les Miserables, Jean Val Jean is hard and tough after serving 19 years in prison for stealing a loaf of bread. With a convict's identity card, no innkeeper will let him spend the night. For four days, he wanders, seeking shelter, until a kind bishop invites him in, gives him supper and offers him the most comfortable bed of his life. That night Jean Val Jean steals the household silverware.

In the morning, three policemen knock on the bishop's door. With them is Jean Val Jean, bowed and bound, caught with the silver.

But the bishop does what no one expects. ASo here you are!@ he cries. AI'm delighted to see you. Have you forgotten that I gave you the candlesticks as well? They're silver like the rest, and worth a good 200 francs. Did you forget to take them?@

AThis is not a thief,@ the bishop tells the gendarmes. AThe silver was my gift to him.@

When the gendarmes finally leave, the bishop gives the candlesticks to Jean Val Jean, now speechless and trembling. ADo not forget, do not ever forget,@ says the bishop, "that you have promised me to use the money to make yourself an honest man."

Jean Val Jean's life is transformed. This naked encounter with forgiveness melts his defences. He keeps the candlesticks, but spends the rest of his life helping others in need.

We've often said, "To err is human, to forgive is divine." Perhaps, also, the possibility of forgiveness makes us human. Alexander Solzhenitsyn said, "It is not our capacity to think that makes us different from all animals, but our capacity to repent and to forgive. Only humans can perform that most unnatural act and so transcent the relentless law of nature."

The woman at the beginning of this article was right. That we forgive each other for some of the dastardly things we've done is truly amazing--and truly human!

John H. Unger is pastor of Richmond Park Mennonite Brethren Church in Brandon, Man. As a speech, this article placed first in Division C (western and northern Manitoba) in the Hi-Noon Toastmasters International Speech Contest.

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