Editorial

Jim Coggins

Consider this typical father/daughter conversation:

My wife and I are like a lot of parents. We talk a lot with our kids. We communicate. It's just that sometimes I don't think we're speaking the same language. We use the same words, but they mean different things to the different generations.

I did some research, talked to some kids, and checked on some definitions. For the benefit of other parents, following are some useful phrases when speaking to any of that group of foreign beings known as teenagers:

Going out: Going steady with someone, having a commitment, being engaged.

Hanging out: Just about anything else that happens between teenage members of opposite sexes, including going to movies together, going to the mall together, holding hands, kissing--as long as there is no permanent commitment involved, the kids can say, "No problem, Dad. We're just hanging out."

Dating: Something that parents do, as in "My parents are really dated" or "carbon dating" (that is, the state of being prehistoric).

My two daughters are very responsible. They have Walkmans and CD players, and they listen to contemporary music. They know the difference between good music and bad music. When a song comes on promoting drug use or premarital sex, they turn it off and refuse to listen.

Some time back, I was talking to one of my daughters, and she said how difficult it would be to be in a Christian band because you could only sing about one thing--God. "On the contrary," I said, "Christian music is interested in all kinds of topics--human relationships, family, social justice, the environment, war and peace."

Then I asked her how many topics a typical rock musician or band sings about. Just one, she admitted--romantic love. Typical lyrics say such things as "You're all I need", "You are my everything", "As long as you love me" and "You're all I ever wanted. You're all I ever needed. Tell me what to do now."

That's the problem. Even when contemporary media (TV and movies as well as music) are not promoting extra-marital sex, they still teach two very dangerous errors, which we adults may not even recognize as errors:

1. Romantic love (husband/wife, boyfriend/girlfriend) is the primary relationship, perhaps even the only human relationship that matters. Wrong. When God created Eve, saying, "It is not good for man to be alone", I don't think He was speaking of just the marital relationship, but also of all the other human relationships marriage and procreation would make possible. There are many human relationships--friendship, family, church--which are also important and can be deeply satisfying.

Moreover, our primary relationship should be with God, not with a spouse or boyfriend or girlfriend or any other human being. Without a primary relationship with God, who is love, we will not have love to give to any other relationship. I find it interesting that in many "crossover Christian songs", it is not clear whether they are addressed to God or to a lover. That surely should warn us that we in North American society are in danger of worshipping romantic love instead of God.

2. Finding the "right person" will make me happy and provide meaning to my life. Wrong. During my lengthy life as a single man, my friends and I discovered a simple truth: If we were not happy single, we would not be happy married. No human being is capable of meeting all of another human being's needs. No human being is capable of making another human being happy--especially if that other human being is waiting to be made happy himself or herself. Two people expecting to receive everything in marriage to make them happy are a prescription for disaster. Marriage is about giving more than receiving. Ironically, so many marriages today are failing not because our expectations are too low but because they are too high. We put our spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend in the place of God, and then reject them when they prove not to be perfect providers of our every need. Instead, we need to keep God in God's place, and receive from Him the power and grace to love other imperfect people.

Return to the M.B.Herald Vol. 38, No. 5 Home Page