A time to face our dying

Ronda Suderman King

"Am I dying?" Peg asked me insistently. When I hesitantly replied yes, she sank back into her pillow and said, "Well, that helps."

As a hospice social worker, I have been intrigued, sometimes saddened and often encouraged by the ways in which persons, and their families and friends, prepare for death.

Jesus certainly seemed to be aware of His coming death, predicting it and His resurrection early on in His public ministry. Can we gain something from examining His way of approaching death? Do we understand Jesus only as God, which would make His ways of coping with death unattainable for us, or was His experience human enough to help us?

It is difficult for me to imagine what it would be like to face cancer and to wonder how long I have to live. Even more unimaginable would be to be told that my life expectancy is six months or less. Shock and disbelief are the feelings that would arise immediately at least, that is what many people facing death have told me. Jack, a 57-year-old hospice patient, stopped significant communication with everyone, including his wife, when he was told about his terminal diagnosis.

On the other hand, Debbie, 59, immediately called her pastor to plan her funeral (which really caught him off guard), and invited me to attend, exclaiming, "It's going to be great!"

When Jesus talked about His future suffering and death for the first time in the book of Mark, "He said all this quite openly" (Mark 8:32).

After the shock of impending death wears off, there often come feelings of guilt, regrets and "if onlys". There is often a reviewing of one's life—a serious and sobering examination of one's purpose, accomplishments and hopes.

At the beginning of the Gospel of Mark, Jesus stated His purpose clearly; "Let us go on to the neighbouring towns, so that I may proclaim the message there also; for that is what I came to do. I have come to call not the righteous but sinners" (1:38, 2:17).

Jesus knew what He came to do. If we were able to state our sense of purpose as clearly as Jesus, would facing our dying be reformed?

Balancing hope, resignation and acceptance is a delicate and ambiguous part of living when death is imminent. How does one maintain hope while accepting death? Many times, it is the family of a hospice patient and not the patient who dictate that death not be discussed. They do this with good intentions, often to protect the patient so the patient will not "give up".

I believe our interpretation of hope needs redefining if we are to possess it throughout our dying. In Mark 8, Jesus foretold His death and resurrection and made the following statement: "Those who want to save their life will lose it, and those who lose their life for My sake, and for the sake of the gospel, will save it. For what will it profit them to gain the whole world and forfeit their life?" (Mark 8:35-37).

Look at that passage again in light of your own death or that of a loved one. As followers of Jesus, do we dare to live with the courage it takes to willingly die?

"Death is a part of life" is a phrase I often hear from hospice patients and their families. I believe it is an attempt to make sense of their pain and to integrate death into their life. On the other hand, Jesus indicated that living has as much to do with dying as dying has to do with living; in other words, life is a part of death!

Often, when one is dying, there is an identity change from being one who gives to one who receives. This is more than a simple alteration. It is a transformation.

So much of our lives revolve around an identity of what we can do. As a body deteriorates, as one's limitations become more apparent and one's dependency on others increases, it is imperative that a shift be made in order to really live while dying. That shift is to become content with one's being versus one's doing—in more theological terms, a shift to feeling adequate through grace instead of through works. I do not suggest this is easy, but if and when it happens, it allows the dying person to bless others in many ways.

A spouse of a hospice patient told me the following story. Curt was already sleeping a lot and increasingly incoherent when he woke Denise in the middle of the night. He wanted to get out of bed, for which he needed help. Curt also wanted to get out on the opposite side of his hospital bed so that he could sit on the couch instead of his recliner—he wanted to be able to sit next to her. Denise helped him to the couch. Curt put his arm around her and kissed her two or three times. Curt and Denise then sat arm in arm for about 10 minutes, after which she helped him back to bed.

What a precious moment! How special for her that he thought to give her that kind of gift, a gift from who he was her husband instead of what he could do. He died five days later. I knew Curt did not want to die. However, by accepting his increasing debilitation, he was able to give a wonderful gift that will comfort Denise for a lifetime.

When we believe that a loved one's death is near, it is a common practice to call family members home to offer support and love. Jesus, too, gathered His disciples around Him in Gethsemane, requesting that they stay awake and pray.

I remember well the short time we had with my mother-in-law before her death. We stood around her bed, singing, praying and crying as she breathed her last breaths. Her death was peaceful, just a gradual ending of the work of her lungs and heart.

Did our presence make her death peaceful? It would be presumptuous for me to even suggest that. (Jesus' death was anything but peaceful!) But the gathering of loved ones gives evidence of the enduring quality of love, which continues on even after death.

Ironically, as we become more deliberate about facing our own dying, we should be prepared for a passionate encounter with life!

Ronda Suderman King is a social worker for Hospice Inc. in Wichita, Kan. and a member of Mennonite Church of the Servant in Wichita. This article is reprinted, with permission, from the March 1998 issue of The Christian Leader.

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