Currently in Radio A true confession

Julie Rempel

Understanding God's plan for my life is probably the most difficult thing. It's not that the world has fallen apart or that I have hit rock bottom, but the constant pressure of "not getting there" is really beginning to wear on my self-esteem.

Eight months ago, I let go of my job, and, as it turns out, I feel that I have lost my career as well. Ever since I was a girl of 12, all I wanted was to work in the media. I did that for five years until it all came crashing down. I was the producer for one of the most powerful radio personalities in Canada. It was both an honour to be a part of the process and a disappointment. In my two-and-a-half years as producer, I learned something very profound about the media in general, I learned about myself, and I forgot about God.

That last part is what has scared me the most. I compromised my self-worth to "get the story" and get it first. I will never forget the tactics I used to get a mother on the air after she had just found out her daughter had been murdered and had been living a life as a prostitute. I was on the other end of the line saying that if she would only come on, it would help other mothers that might be going through the same thing. It was a bunch of hogwash, but it worked. Truly, the only motivation behind us getting the interview was ratings.

I did this over and over and over. I even persuaded members of the popular Christian organization Promise Keepers to come into the studio for an informative discussion regarding who they were and what they stood for. In fact, all week I knew that my counterpart had been working diligently to find "dirt" on the organization. I did, however, remove myself from the situation and did not do the research on that project, and was not aware of the drama that would enfold. It was only after I got home that day that I knew I was failing God.

I tried for months to convince myself that somehow I would make a difference in the secular media if I could just pretend to play their game but not be a part of it. I was dreadfully wrong. I played their game, and I played it much too well. By the end, I had reached a level of true unhappiness. I was away from God, and totally alone. No one was looking out for me. My work began to suffer because I could no longer bring myself to play the game. Well, you can't be willing to do something once and then claim you can't do it again. I could feel God nagging at my heart to walk away from it, but I kept hanging on. Finally, there was no longer any choice. In order to salvage any self-esteem I had left, I gave it up.

Now, I guess you may be expecting to hear me talk about what grand new opportunities the Lord has given me since I put aside my career. There has been no miracle job. I have started my own business, in which I do a lot of media relations work and produce features for a variety of media outlets. It's slow, but it is my own. I have had to relearn all about glorifying God in everything that I do. I needed to sit back and examine what I had become. How God is going to use my life and experiences to help others I don't pretend to know. I just have been feeling a little like Job lately. You know what? That's OK, just as long as there's hope. I know the Lord works in mysterious ways, and His plan for my life is just beginning.

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